Critical Commentary 1, Week 8

Response to Andrew's Improv 5, Week 7:

I think I want to take this piece by piece, if that's ok with you. First line, fine, but I really love that second line. Perhaps syntactically odd, or simply in need of a colon, but uncanny, interesting, visual. I'm also curious about this personalization of the liana. There seems to be some fiddling with disjointing, a literal display of body parts. I will say that what strikes me as odd in this particular section is the move from halved fingers to a whole hand, which seems to be the start of a bodily connection as opposed to the prior. Mammal contours sits rather stumpy on the tongue and just does not work with the sweeping latinate sound this draft is trying to retain. Next, 3rd to last stanza. Suffer doesn't working there. As a reader I paused and thought: suffering? It calls too much attention to its own mechanics, the slant rhyme with suppers which would be cooler if I didn't see the machinery. Also, first section where we have these consistent breaks with a comma, which could work but it would require me to see more of this particular sense of disconnect in the rest of the work. It seems to fizzle off by the end and I'd like to see that idea carried out. As far as a narrative is concerned, there seems to be one in places but its rather obscured. I keep meaning to tell you this but I think Amy Pence would be a good read for you. She'd bring out the narrative sense in your writing while still showing you how to incorporate this lush and latinate movement you have in your work.